At some point the day of the radiation planning.. Something in my brain shifted.
I have in general been really good a dealing with crisis and stress. I have even had praise from managers of my ability to think on my feet and stay calm. Well last Monday after we got back from the planning session, I had a crash. I have had these before.. typically a few hours when a section of the process has ended and things feel more normal. Then I would blow out the pressure and just sit.. feeling like my skin was tight and general unease.. Then I would get better and move on.
Last Monday it lasted all day. I could not bring myself to return the computer for work.. I just sat and stared at the TV.. not multi-tasking etc.. Just trying to get lost for a bit.
Tuesday was better but I could still feel the edge..
Sunday… at the end of the Seahawks game there was some good ol’ game tension as they tried to come back from being 21 points down and win in overtime. Which they did. Problem was, I was still wired for about 2-3 hours after that..
Now Monday.. going back to work which seems to be pretty well in hand.. I am really wired.. my skin crawls and I am having a hard time staying focused..
It is my assessment… that I have developed some kind of PTSD reaction to normal stress and it just puts me in overdrive, like a dimmer switch has become an on/off switch with no in between.
I maybe FAT, and need to lose weight.. but have been pretty lucky health wise.. with low cholesterol and blood pressure that stays at the high end of normal. This week the BP is also up.
I am looking at things I know that help me.. keeping my hydration up and getting back on the treadmill for half-hour or longer walks will help some. But this time I know I am out of my norm and can feel it chewing on me… So I am getting help..
It will be fine.. but knowing one’s limits is key to surviving a year + of intense care for someone you love… I am hitting some kind of limit. So off to the Doctor I go…