Kicking Breast Cancer's Butt

Monthly Archives: March 2014

Grieving what was

I’m grieving today.  Grieving for the young woman I once was.  I didn’t appreciate what I had at the time.  I guess everyone wants what they don’t have, somehow believing it better than what they do have.  I regretted my large pores, my broad forehead, my prominent chin.

Like most women, I tried in vain to shrink my pores.

For a long time, I wore my hair long, and kept it pulled back from my face, even as I looked at my reflection in disgust, considering my giant forehead.

And I actually considered plastic surgery to “dock” my out-there chin.

Fool.  Looking back at photos of myself at 25, all that I see is how beautiful I looked.  All twenty-somethings are beautiful.  They can’t help it.  You’re young, your skin is taut, and dark circles under your eyes just make you more fascinating.  It means you have an interesting life, outside of your work life.  You roll out of bed, messy hair and rumpled clothes, and last night’s makeup.  You look gorgeous.  You don’t believe me now, but when you’re 40, look back at pictures of yourself at this age, and you’ll see I was right.

I look back at the image the 25-year-old that I was, and I grieve for what has been lost.  The youthful outlook, the anything-could-happen-so-everything-wonderful-is-yet-possible mind set.

I’m no longer that young woman, with the quick, light step.  I still believe anything is possible, and I will always believe in hope.  But I have to hold onto that based on faith – I don’t have the energy I once had, and I sure don’t have the physical resilience I once had.  And now I accept the fact that I am mortal.  I don’t think I fully believed in death and mortality when I was in my 20’s.  It seemed so far away, as to seem like only a story.  Yes, that happens to some people.  But not to me.

But today, I am disabled.  At least for the foreseeable future.  That is a hard truth to come up against.  I am not what I once was.  And I never will be.

I am strong.  I am powerful.  But I now walk with a shuffle and a little bit of a limp.  I walk like an old woman.

In my mind, I see the image of who I was 25 years ago, and I see a young woman skipping down the escalator at Westlake Mall.  I remember a young man, a stranger, approaching that woman, and asking her to have lunch with him, because he is so drawn to her.

Then I look in the mirror, and grieve.

I sit at my computer, and my hands begin to tingle as I type this.  Shortly they will feel numb, and I will have to stop.

I get up from the computer to walk into the living room to rest my hands.  I shuffle along, because my hips are stiff, and my legs ache.  Where is that girl with the light step, now, I wonder?

I sit down for a while, putting my feet up, to take the pressure off my knees and my hips.  I can’t knit, because that hurts, too.

I try to relax, and I have stabbing pains in my heel, I assume from neuropathy.

I am disabled.  But I am glad to be alive.

For those of you keeping track, my initial reconstruction surgery is now scheduled for May 27.  I say “initial” because I had assumed, and perhaps you did too, that reconstructive surgery meant “one and done.”  It does not.

We have the first “big surgery”, then when everything settles, we follow that up with another surgery.  Not as long as the first one, but we’re still talking anesthesia, stitches, and a hospital stay.

Then we have two more minor procedures, to encourage symmetry and an even appearance.  To be frank, the surgeon builds a nipple for the new boob, and then we tattoo an areola,  if I choose to do that.  Apparently some women don’t.  Can you imagine?  I guess you’d get used to it.

Before we do ANY of that, I have to have a couple of scans done so that Dr. N can find all the blood vessels he needs to move tissue from my belly in order to build the new breast.  I know I have to do it, I know the scans are easy, but I think I’ll be calling my GP for an anti-anxiety prescription refill just the same.  Needles I can deal with, but those big white donut scanners, not so much.  Too much time lying there with crazy $hit running through my head.

More details to follow.