Boobs of Steel

Kicking Breast Cancer's Butt

So, Tina had an unexpected reaction to the first MRI attempt.  A panic attack.  Well if you have never been in one of these things.  Imagine a nightmare where a large donut is eating you.  Then your alarm clock goes off for 20 minutes and you can’t move to turn it off.  Oh and its louder than a live Led Zepplin concert.  First time I was out in the lobby.

Second time, after a Zanix pill  (usually reserved for flying etc.) and with me now in the room. She got through it.  Trust me if they tried to put an MRI in Gitmo, the President would assure us it was never used on prisoners.  20 minutes of the loudest noises every half second or so and I might tell them where I buried Jimmy Hoffa…..

At first it sounds like the world’s best alarm clock, screeching screeching screeching every second or less.  I am sitting there at the end holding and stroking her ankle.. the part that is sticking out of the donut.  Then I realize.. my head is bobbing back and forth.  OMG!! its just like Steve Martin in “The Jerk”, I have found the a rhythm that moves my white fat man soul!!.  Pathetic…

Then I look down.. at the side of the big white donut… Some perverse marketing team named it “Symphony”  ya right.  They should copyright the first three minutes of this thing’s noise corner the world wide alarm clock business…  Yet… every pass it makes the harmonic of the noise shifts.  Ironically around 12 minutes there is a pass, that I swear could be the base harmony for a Phillip Glass symphony… I can see it now.  Benoroya Hall, the Seattle Symphony and the big white donut on stage.. doing “Ode to Loud Tech” by Phillip Glass.

The other thing.  The dark mood lighting like on TV in”House” is not there.  Its not dark with dim blue floor lights.  It’s lit like an ER exam room.. Whats up with that?

This is where my brain goes for 2o minutes, while I hold Tina’s leg to let her know I am with her, as the machine searches inside her breast for info we really need to move forward.  That and I was also watching her breathing to make sure she wasn’t stressing out..

Ladies.. that is what a man thinks while sitting next to the MRI.. much more fun to write about .. after being told “The Donut” saw no problems in the adjacent lymph nodes..

Tomorrow its several hours with “the team”.. starting with The Surgeon… more reality…

I just wanted to give a shout out to Ken’s AF Family.

Your prayers, your love, your words of encouragement, and your willingness to share your own experiences brings tears of joy to my eyes.  I can never express how much it has meant to me on this day.  It is magical, it is inspirational, and it is empowering.

I am so grateful.

I love you all.

Tina

Breast cancer doesn’t just happen to you.  It happens to your whole family as soon as you tell them.

I found this out today, and I have been expecting it.  My husband, who has been my rock and my calming voice, came to his break-down moment.  It’s the waiting that is so hard right now.  Waiting to hear what the doctors say about what they’ve found, what we do next.  And the not knowing is getting to him, and to me.  We can’t plan for what we don’t know, and when I don’t know, my first thought in my less positive moments is the worst-case-scenario.  Every little ache and pain, every time I feel fall-down-tired, makes me wonder.

I started this post about 3 hours ago, and how much can change in such a short time.

I just got my results from the MRI.  They confirmed the tumor we knew about, and they found another something they want to biopsy in the other breast.  But the news I really latched onto was they found NO worrisome lymph nodes.  I’m trying not to get too excited, but this makes me feel a whole lot more positive about my marathon appointment tomorrow.

This is my first post.

Its the day after the MRI.  This is real.  [insert profanity here]

I love Tina so much.  I can’t imagine a better mate, friend, mother, lover.  I understand the motivation for people to shout “This is not Fair!”  Problem is waiting for fair, trying to manufacture fair destroys lives.  I am not waiting.  We are working the process.  We are working with the team a Virgina Mason in Seattle. And when they have an opening we will consult with Seattle Cancer Care Alliance just to make sure we have the best in the area from both places offering input.. VM has great ratings and I thank the Lord we still have the options for care where Friday your wife is diagnosed with cancer, Monday she has an MRI and blood drawn and Wednesday we have back to back meetings with the team.

See.. I am doing it.  I manage Marketing projects for Microsoft as a contingent staffer.  I have for several years.  I like the work and I like my current team and I can’t imagine a more understanding team.  This is my second year long contract them.  And I started the first year where they had just met me and I had to take most of my first week off after we learned of Tina’s dad’s murder.  How did I manage to find such human managers?  As a said, I can calm myself by retreating into the project manager.  We do this, than this, we make the milestones and it will complete successfully.  I get my projects done.  This is a project where I can only do everything right, than we assess fate and Gods’ contribution.

Yup. I beleive in God.  I am not mad at “him”… Yet.   It may come.. I am very much into science and astronomy and string theory etc.  I see art and eligance and I see chaos in the universe and it is beautiful.  God is not some old bearded guy or even a goddess in green.  It is the life force that brought everything into place, I do think God interacts… but I also thing like a good parent we are allowed to choose to be our best in good and bad.  We are to help others, something between killing them with kindness and ignoring that we are different and all have needs. Religion is our attempt to humanize someone too different to understand.

So I am a project manager and I believe in the “Big Picture”  [Reference the movie "Creator"]

Back to Tina.. In her first post.  She wrote “I am not strong.”  Don’t believe that for a minute.  She feels deeply.  She broke into tears during the Budweiser Super Bowl ad where the Bud clydesdale rediscovers the owner who rescued it as a pony.  And she had a panic attack half way through her MRI, so a sat holding her leg for the second attempt and she flew through.  She feels, she feels for people and she feels what affects her.  But then she goes on, she is a mom and a wife and someone at work people know they can trust.  She is strong and she does it while feeling deeply.

I too have been sucking down info.  Info informs choice, choice is power.  So much info… Where is my choices?.. where is the power?  I don’t know.  I hate not knowing…

What do I know.. I want my wife with my for the next 30-40 years.  I love her oh so much because of who she is.. Wife, Lover, Mother.. Friend.

Today is my day to really start feeling.  There is nothing to manage.. Nothing to plan for.. we wait.