It hasn’t seemed like it, but every day I am getting a little bit stronger.  The progress has been very slow, in my opinion.  Apparently, my expectation was I’d start to feel better pretty much immediately after my final infusion.  I was willing to compromise at a week to 10 days out.  Of course that hasn’t been the case.  Friday I started to think “what if I never get any better?”

The insurance company has been bugging me to submit some forms to apply for social security disability, and I’ve been a real stubborn bitch about not sending it in. Finally did, thinking “This is completely stupid, social security means permanently disabled, which I am not.  I just need a few more weeks to get through radiation.”  But Friday in the shower, I started thinking “The lady from the insurance company is right to ask for that stuff.  I’m not getting any better, and in some cases, I’m worse.  Nails hurt worse than ever, the nail on my left thumb is definitely jacked, and I’m probably going to lose the nails on both big toes.  My feet and ankles are throbbing right now, and I shuffle around the house like an old woman by the end of the day, even if I’ve been sitting on my ass the whole time.  I’m so tired, I want to cry.”

What if this is it?  The painful feet, the fatigue after doing simple things, like taking out the trash AND doing one load of laundry, when I think for 5 whole minutes “Oh, yeah!  It’s all coming together now!” And then my fatigue sneaks up on me from behind, taps me on the shoulder, and says “Wait a minute, stupid. Wham!”  I hit the wall so hard, it takes my breath away, and I flop into a chair, panting and frustrated, because I see 10 more things that need to be picked up/put away/washed/thrown out.

So I whimper, grind my teeth, and say a curse word or two, or vent at Ken through my tears.  Then I give up for the day, and find an old episode of Perry Mason or Bones, and veg out in front of the television until the kid comes home.

But a couple of days of that, and I’m right back up, running smack into the wall again.  Over, and over, and over.  But here’s what I finally noticed today.  I run into that wall, true, and it hurts.  But every time I run into that wall, I move it a little farther, and farther out.  I did three loads of dishes yesterday, and cooked dinner last night, and I wasn’t completely out of my mind in pain, or exhaustion.  Woke up today (despite the continuing insomnia) and my feet weren’t completely on fire.  I’ve done two loads of laundry, one load of dishes, and I’m still standing.  I’m thinking, maybe I’ve turned a corner.  Maybe I’ve finally broken down that wall.  Then I get in the shower, and there go my feet, there go my nails again.  And there goes the all over body ache.  Shit.  All I’m doing is standing in the shower, and BAM!  There’s that f-ing wall again.

But also notice I’m still standing.  I might need a nap in a minute, but right now, I’m still standing.