At some point the day of the radiation planning.. Something in my brain shifted.
I have in general been really good a dealing with crisis and stress. I have even had praise from managers of my ability to think on my feet and stay calm. Well last Monday after we got back from the planning session, I had a crash. I have had these before.. typically a few hours when a section of the process has ended and things feel more normal. Then I would blow out the pressure and just sit.. feeling like my skin was tight and general unease.. Then I would get better and move on.
Last Monday it lasted all day. I could not bring myself to return the computer for work.. I just sat and stared at the TV.. not multi-tasking etc.. Just trying to get lost for a bit.
Tuesday was better but I could still feel the edge..
Sunday… at the end of the Seahawks game there was some good ol’ game tension as they tried to come back from being 21 points down and win in overtime. Which they did. Problem was, I was still wired for about 2-3 hours after that..
Now Monday.. going back to work which seems to be pretty well in hand.. I am really wired.. my skin crawls and I am having a hard time staying focused..
It is my assessment… that I have developed some kind of PTSD reaction to normal stress and it just puts me in overdrive, like a dimmer switch has become an on/off switch with no in between.
I maybe FAT, and need to lose weight.. but have been pretty lucky health wise.. with low cholesterol and blood pressure that stays at the high end of normal. This week the BP is also up.
I am looking at things I know that help me.. keeping my hydration up and getting back on the treadmill for half-hour or longer walks will help some. But this time I know I am out of my norm and can feel it chewing on me… So I am getting help..
It will be fine.. but knowing one’s limits is key to surviving a year + of intense care for someone you love… I am hitting some kind of limit. So off to the Doctor I go…
Tomorrow is the second infusion of the dose dense a/c chemo. We changed medical oncologists, as you may know, and we also received our new schedule. That week after the first infusion, the time seemed like it was going to stretch out ahead of me for such a long time, but I’ll have two more infusions after tomorrow. My last one for this round is June 13. June 13! I can do this…
Monday and Tuesday AM it looked like we were going to glide into an easy recovery….
That may be why Tuesday was crash day for me. Late Monday night I hit a wall of stress after we did her first shower. Surgery drains, newly uncovered stiches, plastic to keep things dry etc. Once we finished the stress of not “breaking” Tina hit me and then some. Pretty sure I am releasing stress I felt very little as I managed the last few days.
I slept hard.. and then Tuesday morning was mentally exhausted.
Tuesday AM Tina was up and doing chores.. I told her not to….
Then something got pulled there was sudden pain and the last two days have been tougher.. Periodic pain spasms etc. I seem to remember my triple wisdom teeth extraction was like this… it got better for 4 days then I had 1-2 days where it was really bad.
She is healing and we are in communication with the DRs… but right now pain management seems to be #1. Her surgeon thinks it may be that she didn’t keep ahead of the pain.. from what I see.. pain hits. creates stress .. creates more pain… Lesson of the day.. when you get a body part cut off.. its ok to take pain meds for a few days and not worry that you don’t really need them..
Thursday AM.. I am getting a bit better sleep but needing to use ZZZZQuil tabs to get down the last three nights..
I totally checked out from work…the last two days (which I hate… but I was mentally useless for intelligent work) watching email for emergencies etc. but I thought we were on track for an easy recovery week one…. not so much..
Michaela is sleeping on the couch to be close to mom.. and has been doing a good job letting me know if Tina needs something.. What good kid.. but I worry she is stressed and not willing to talk about it.
At some point we might get her some time with a consoler ….just to make sure.
Tomorrow we see Dr Javid who has been great this week.. even dealing with a problem where her resident didn’t return 3 calls in a row.. (she dealt with that pretty fast and it never happened again…)
And for those keeping score at home and who have bets pending with Vegas bookies… pathology game back…
- Tumor… 12 Centimeters (5 inches!) Sorry for those who bet on a more normal size…
- Single Mass… Good…
- Clean Edges Good…
- No skin or chest wall involvement.. good..
- 2 lymph nodes of the 24 removed affected good given the size…
That makes the final stage 3A which is where we were last week…. Sorry I have checked with Vegas and no one had all it all right.. so no jackpot winners this week..
Joking aside it was big hummer..that came from no where and was undetectable 10 months earlier by a DR doing a breast exam, and was even hard for them to spot on imaging when they were looking for it… Get your tests.. do your monthly exams etc.and get weird stuff looked at right away people!!!
That said it appears to be a lazy SOB of a cancer which is good..content to sit in one boob and get fat vs going out to explore.. so in general pretty good news.. Given SCCA’s stats on all stage 3 cancers.. I think we still have a very positive prognosis…
There were quick flashes of stress or sadness this week.. but I pushed pass them. I know we are going to be fine. But change is coming
Day before surgery and I woke stress level is through the roof. Wish I didn’t have so much important stuff to do at work, I would take the day off.
No clever quips today. No flashes of humor.
Tina’s sister is up for a few days. Love her and her family … really nice people that have had bad stuff happen to them over the last couple of years but they too just keep going.
Family that you can count on is gold.